The Difference Between Coping and Regulation

Have you ever had one of those days where you finish work, sit down on the couch and think,

“I just need something…”

Before you know it…

You’ve been scrolling TikTok for three hours.

(Been there. 🙋🏽‍♀️)

Or maybe you’ve watched just one more episode…

Ordered Uber Eats…

Opened the fridge for the fourth time even though you weren’t actually hungry…

Started online shopping…

Thrown yourself into work…

Gone for a run…

Called a friend…

Or somehow ended up cleaning the entire house because apparently that couldn’t wait another day.

And don’t get me wrong…

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things.

I’ve done every single one of them.

But they do make me wonder…

Are we coping… or are we regulating?

Because despite what social media sometimes makes it sound like, those two things aren’t actually the same.

First things first…

Coping isn’t a bad word.

I actually think coping strategies get a bit of an unfair reputation online.

The truth is…

We all cope.

Every single one of us.

Coping is simply anything we do to help ourselves get through a difficult moment.

Sometimes that’s incredibly helpful.

Sometimes it’s less helpful.

And sometimes…

It’s exactly what we need in that moment.

So… what’s the difference?

One of the biggest differences comes down to what happens afterwards.

A coping strategy often helps us escape, distract from or temporarily reduce discomfort.

Regulation doesn’t necessarily make the feeling disappear.

Instead, it helps us move through it.

One isn’t always “good” and the other “bad.”

But they do serve different purposes.

Let’s use a simple example.

Imagine you’ve had a really stressful day at work.

You come home feeling overwhelmed.

You immediately pick up your phone and scroll TikTok for an hour.

(Or three… no judgement.)

Did it help?

Maybe.

Did you feel distracted for a little while?

Probably.

Did the stress disappear?

Not necessarily.

Now imagine instead…

You sit outside for ten minutes.

Take a few slow breaths.

Have a shower.

Go for a gentle walk.

Talk to someone you trust.

Or even just sit quietly with a cup of tea.

The stress might still be there.

But your body has had an opportunity to begin settling.

That’s the difference.

Sometimes we confuse feeling better with feeling distracted.

And don’t get me wrong…

Distraction has its place.

Sometimes after a really difficult day, watching your favourite TV show is exactly what you need.

This isn’t about trying to optimise every moment of your life.

(I’m pretty sure the internet has enough of that already. 🤡)

Sometimes social media makes it sound like if you’re coping, you’re somehow failing.

Like if you haven’t journalled, meditated, breathed into your diaphragm and drunk a magnesium hot chocolate before bed… you’ve somehow missed the point.

But life isn’t always like that.

Sometimes coping is exactly what gets us through a really hard day.

Regulation isn’t about being perfect.

It’s about gradually building more capacity over time.

Regulation doesn’t always feel relaxing.

This is something I think surprises a lot of people.

We often imagine regulation means feeling peaceful.

Calm.

Zen.

But sometimes regulation feels like…

Crying.

Having an honest conversation.

Sitting with discomfort.

Taking a deep breath instead of reacting.

Allowing yourself to feel disappointed.

None of those experiences necessarily feel nice.

But they can still be regulating.

Your nervous system isn’t looking for perfection.

It’s looking for flexibility.

The goal isn’t to never feel anxious.

Never feel stressed.

Never feel overwhelmed.

Life wouldn’t be very realistic if that were the case.

The goal is having enough capacity to experience those emotions without feeling completely consumed by them.

So… what if you’re mostly coping?

That’s okay.

Seriously.

We all do it.

Sometimes getting through the day is exactly what’s needed.

The important part isn’t judging yourself.

It’s simply becoming a little more aware.

Maybe you notice yourself reaching for your phone every time things feel uncomfortable.

Maybe you realise you’ve been keeping yourself constantly busy.

Maybe you’ve been running on autopilot for a while.

Awareness isn’t failure.

It’s often the first step towards change.

Sometimes coping helps us get away from how we feel.

Regulation helps us come back to ourselves.

A gentle place to begin

The next time you notice yourself wanting to escape discomfort, see if you can pause for just a moment.

Not to stop yourself.

Not to judge yourself.

Just to notice.

“What is it that I actually need right now?”

Sometimes the answer will still be Netflix.

And honestly…

That’s okay too.

But sometimes your nervous system might be asking for something different.

If you’re looking for a gentle way to begin practising regulation, I’ve created a collection of free guided meditations on Insight Timer. Some are only a few minutes long, making them an approachable place to start whenever you feel ready.

Because sometimes the most supportive thing we can do isn’t distract ourselves from what we’re feeling. It’s learning that we have the capacity to move through it.